Puede Fallar

lunes, enero 30, 2006

¿?

Siempre creí que lo peor es no saber. No puedo, tengo que controlarlo todo, tengo que saberlo todo. Supongo que tiene que ver con lo insegura que soy.

Y entonces pregunto, estoy en el detalle, hago listas de las cosas: cosas que tengo que preguntarle al médico, temas que tenemos que tratar la próxima vez que nos veamos, notas mentales, discos que tengo que bajar, canciones que tengo que escuchar esta semana. A veces respeto los post-it, a veces no, y en ese último caso me siento culpable.

Si no digo esto, si no preciso lo otro... quién sabe, por ahí se acaba el mundo y soy la responsable. Entonces me convierto en una persona exuberante y tal vez un poco previsible. O creo, qué se yo.

Pero ahora estoy en una encrucijada: las dudas se me agolpan en la boca, me estrujan el corazón, la garganta, las tripas. Me provocan un dolor visceral. Pero no puedo formularlas, no puedo atinar siquiera a pronunciar el primer adverbio.

Cada una de esas preguntas me humilla, y en muchos sentidos. Por un lado la derrota de no saber y finalmente la duda en sí, que directamente me convierte en la persona más patética del universo.

Viajo en colectivos y subtes sofocando esas dudas, pensando y repensando las posibles respuestas y sus probabilidades, tejiendo las más increíbles historias que sólo aumentan la paranoia y fortalecen las preguntas.

La verdad, hay semanas en las que es horrible ser yo.

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